Hoping for a Good Year

I tend to consider my birthday as a New Year’s Day (hell, my year begins on that day!) and so, after I had counted presents (and told seven different friends how it felt to be 36) , I sat down and did something that I have done religiously for more than a dozen years now – went through the twelve months that had just passed, searching for highs and lows and trying to see if there were any lessons to be learnt.

They were perhaps among the most event-filled months I have lived in for a while. In purely emotional terms, this was a year I would love to forget. In October 2006, I was very close to four people. By July 2007, I could not trust any of them (although I remain on talking terms with three). I also ended up reducing my involvement in an organisation to which I owed a lot and one that I never thought I would leave. Twelve months is a long time.

Of course, there were positives. I think I did some of my best writing (which is not saying much, really) in the January-July 2007 period. I read a lot, spent more time with my friends, made a few new friends, and rediscovered some old ones. I also rediscovered my love for music – something I had lost way back in 1999.

And there were quite a few lessons to be learned too. A friend said I need to be more assertive and should seek, rather than avoid, confrontation. Another says I should also stop being shy and self-conscious. A third suggests that I stop under-rating my work and stop being ‘such a modest blighter.’ Other suggestions included thinking less, partying more, reading less, developing a taste for alcohol...feel free to add to the list. Just remember that it is rather difficult for a 36-year-old to change.

Not surprisingly, all the turmoil of the past few months has made me steer clear of making any resolutions for my forthcoming year. Yes, there are things I would like to do and words I would like to say, or like to hear others say. Most of all, I would perhaps like to be able to trust one person the way I trusted four barely a few months ago. Will it happen? I don’t really know. And to be honest, I am not too optimistic. But while I can make no resolutions, I can perhaps hope.

Twelve months, after all, is a long time.